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Control Freak: A Rant!

November 27, 2012
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This was written weeks ago & I waited to publish until I had discussed the issue with my prayer partners & had calmed down & could laugh at the …ahem…insult & myself…

It has been said of me that I am a control freak, that I lack spontaneity, that I have to be in charge. It’s actually been said a lot lately…

I’m trying to consider that it is true, to understand the whys, hows & how/if to change.

Yep

Is it true?
Well, I like things the way I like things. Not in a crazy way, that if someone moved a magazine from a stack I would rearrange the stack to be just so. (I had a neighbor like this & visiting her house, I was afraid to even take a breath of air for fear that I would disturb her perfect world!) Rather, I like routine. I like to know what is going to happen, what needs to be done, what my responsibility is. I like to pull my own weight, get the job done & be ready to help others. I would rather not be in charge, but if I am handed that responsibility, I will take charge.

Why?
I was taught that I should help others, that I should be ready to lend a hand. I was also taught that it was my responsibility to help others who might not be able to help themselves. I should give myself, my talents, my efforts away…because I owe others what gifts I have been given… They can’t do it for themselves so I must… Hmm… Wait a minute… Uh… Wow, this explains a few things…

How?
Friends have commented that I am very difficult to do for. They want to provide me a glass of water – that’s okay, I brought my water bottle. They want to make a meal for me – that’s okay, I have one in the freezer ready to reheat. I think ahead, plan ahead, look ahead. I always thought this was a good thing, a special gift, because I am rarely caught unprepared. Hurricane, earthquake, tornado, power outage, physical injury, illness, scourge of locust – no worries! I have it under control! Food, supplies, whatever is called for, whatever the situation! Now I’m being told this is… a character flaw… Hmm… Funny that those complaining the loudest are the first to ask me for something when they run out: toothpaste, Kleenex, English Breakfast Tea & a cup from which to drink it…

How to change?
So, if I decide that I want to change what I see as my strength, others see as flaw, how do I do that? Do I not look at the calendar & see that holidays are coming? Don’t shop, cook, bake? Don’t consider that family coming for Thanksgiving/Christmas will be hungry for breakfast that morning or the mornings after & therefore don’t buy eggs, bacon, sausage, don’t bake a coffee cake & have it in the freezer? Don’t remember the food sensitivities of some folks, preferences for desserts of others? Don’t buy that extra package of toilet paper for the powder room before guests arrive?

I know! I’ll stop planning meals all together! I will wait until DH comes in the door after work & asks “what’s for dinner?” before I decide what to prepare. I’ll be one of the people who shows up at potluck suppers having forgotten my own contribution to the dinner. I will live my life with my head in the clouds not paying attention to the calendar, the season, the goings-on in the world & when those around me ask to borrow this, share that, or my opinion about how a party should be coordinated, tables decorated, household repairs completed, or if they can borrow a can of tomato paste, I will just smile sweetly, look off at the clouds.

Nope, I don’t have to be in control of anything. I really don’t.
By the way, be careful what you ask for…you may just get it!

Note: I do understand that control is an illusion. Actually, I’m one of a very few who seem to acknowledge this fact. I rest in the sovereignty of the Lord God Almighty. He & only He is in control of all things!

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